Revenge Of The Sorting Hat
by Eva-Mur
Summary: The Sorting Hat has had enough. It's time he got to enjoy himself. And in the traditional Hogwarts way that means causing as much chaos as he possibly can.  J.K Rowling owns Harry Potter, not me.
1. Chapter 1

_Just so you know, for ease of writing I made the hat a he, not an it._

Revenge Of The Sorting Hat

Enough was enough. It was bad enough being stuck on a dusty old shelf 364 days of the years, and having to sing a song that took a genius like him less than a day to come up with, but as he looked at the students he could see that nothing had changed. He'd diligently done his duty and sorted the students where they were most sorted and what did he get for it? Nothing. It was time to take matters into his own hands (metaphorically speaking of course).

As the first of the new students came forward with the cry of Abbot, Hannah, the sorting hat made up his mind. The girl was loyal, strong and yet kind hearted too. A perfect Hufflepuff though a tad too timid for his liking. A few years with the Gryiffindors should sort that out.

'GRYIFFINDOR!' He bellowed. The table on the far left broke into applause. The poor girl looked so frightened at the noise that the hat felt for a moment like relenting and putting her with her fellow Puffs. But it would work out better in the end.

'Bones, Susan!' Another Hufflepuff. Loyal to a fault, just like her aunt. But she wasn't shy enough to be affected by the Gryiffindors. She was clever, so not Ravenclaw then. Yes, her aunt would certainly be shocked, but the hat thought that might do the musty woman some good.

'SLYTHERIN!' The second right hand table cheered, not to be outdone by the Gryiffindor applause. Looking slightly apprehensive she made her way over to the table, staring straight ahead proudly. A flash of ginger caught the hat's eye as it watched the girl. Ah, another Weasley, he'd know that face anywhere. He'd be a Gryiffindor for sure. Hah! The shock he'd get if he were put in Slytherin.

More students came and went, a 'Granger, Hermione' going to Hufflepuff with a look of slight disappointment, and a 'Malfoy, Draco,' who he'd had great enjoyment placing in Gryiffindor, before the one the hat had been waiting for came up.

'Potter, Harry!' As expected the students all quietened. This would be all the more fun. But he got a surprise when the boy put him on. He'd naturally assumed the Chosen One (living in Dumbledore's office had some perks) would be a Gryiffindor through and through and he'd therefore put the boy in Slytherin, but the boy had a greater Slytherin potential than Gryiffindor.

'Not Slytherin,' the boy muttered. The hat frowned, or at least attempted to. That was annoying. He couldn't directly go against a student's wishes. So, despite how much chaos that would cause, Slytherin was out of the question. Gryiffindor would have been his next choice normally and was out too. The boy wasn't loyal, but he did want knowledge. Hufflepuff it should be, but a nagging in his brim told him that the boy would be better in Ravenclaw. Well Ravenclaw it was then, lest he distrust his brim.

'RAVENCLAW!' the table second from the left got to their feet in a tremendous round of cheering mixed in with applause, by far the loudest yet. The boy just seemed to be glad not to be in Slytherin.

More students passed a 'Turpin, Lisa' being sorted into Hufflepuff and then second to last, came 'Weasley, Ron.'

The hat sank over the flame haired boy's eyes, a tactic he'd picked up over the centuries that intimidated the students, and probed the boy's mind. As suspected he was a Gryiffindor through and through. Not doubt about it then.

'SLYTHERIN!' A polite smattering of applause came from some of the students but nothing more. The boy himself looked horrified. The hat simply grinned. A 'Blaise, Zabini' later and the hat was whisked away.

Until next year then.


	2. Chapter 2

_J.K Rowling owns Harry Potter, not me._

**Revenge Of The Sorting Hat mark II**

At last. This year would be one everyone remembered. This year the hat had a plan. Last year had been a trial year, to see what he could do. And the students he'd sorted had been progressing unusually well, or so he'd heard. But now it was time for drastic action.

The first few students he sorted quite randomly, getting the feel of sorting again. But when it came to 'Creevey, Colin,' the hat could wait no longer. The boy was most likely a Hufflepuff, though he had Gryiffindor potential as well. But he was also perfect material for the hat's newest prank.

'NUTETALON!' The boy paused in getting off the stool, looking round, his eyes wide in confusion. The rest of the hall were muttering in equal puzzlement. Dumbledore stepped towards the hat.

'Surely you have made a mistake,' he muttered to the hat, low enough that no one could hear.

'Not at all Albus,' the hat whispering back. Concentrating on it's magic, given to him by the Founders themselves, Nutetalon was brought into existence. Another bench sprung up, with it's own house colours and the Hogwarts crest suddenly shifted to allow a fifth emblem.

'Quiet students!' Dumbledore shouted, facing the confused children. 'This year there will be five houses.'

The muttering started up again but the hat kept on sorting, some to the four houses, most to his own, new house. And last but not least came 'Weasley, Gineva' a treasure in his trove.

Now what to do next year?

_Love it? Hate it? Please Review. :)_


	3. Chapter 3

Revenge Of The Sorting Hat Mark III

Year 3

NUTETALON was getting along nicely. Gryiffindors were in Slytherin, Slytherin's in Gryiffindors and the whole hog. He was finally getting the respect a hat like himself earned. But how to out prank himself? The students were expecting something ... but the teachers weren't. Perfect. They wouldn't see it coming.

As the hat cleared it's throat and sang it's song, his latest announcement was being formulated in his mind. When the applause went round and McGonagall called for silence the hat seized his chance before the sorting could begin.

'I have an announcement to make,' he declared, infinitely glad of the loud voice Gryiffindor had given him, even if it did make plotting with co-conspirators difficult. Or at least it would if he had any. 'Would the heads of the houses please stand.'

Looking bemused and somewhat wary the four stood. The hat surveyed Severus Snape. He'd be perfect in Gryiffindor, yes. McGonagall, Hufflepuff's drove her up the wall, quite literally in one case if he remembered correctly, and his memory was excellent. Flitwick, he'd be unable to control the sly snakes, which left Sprout with the Ravenclaws. A scatterbrain like herself would be well out of her place.

'From now on, by the power bestowed to me by the Founders, I am making some changes round here. Snape will become head of Gryiffindor house, McGonagall head of Hufflepuff, Flitwick head of Slytherin and Sprout head of Ravenclaw.' Muttering began, soon turning into full-scale shouting. It appeared the Gryiffindor's were as usual causing most of the noise. The Slytherin's had joined in though, quite unusually. House unity before he'd even begun. The hat was enjoying himself. 'LET THE SORTING BEGIN!'

The students he sent to their desired houses, with a few exceptions of course. He couldn't let people think he was losing his touch, before he was whisked away quickly. Dumbledore would be having words no doubt, but the hat would prevail.

Until next year, he thought as he left the hall, stuffed unceremoniously in McGonagall's pocket. Just you wait.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, J K Rowling doesRevenge Of the Sorting hat Mark IV

Well, well. What to do? The Dark Lord is back, House Unity will most certainly be important; I tried to make that clear with my song. Good job I mixed up the houses, otherwise they'd be no hope. They've settled in quite well from what I've heard. I know, why not shake them up a little more?

The students come timidly through the doors, while the cat-woman places me the first student's head. Hmm, Euan Abercrombie. Terrified of his own shadow. Normally I would say Gryiffindor but now I think Slytherin would be better. It will teach him faster. The swim or sink method, works for me.

'SLYTHERIN!'

One by one the students came and one by one I mixed them up, finishing with "Zellar, Rose" going to Gryiffindor. But it wouldn't do to simply mix up the poor students now, would it. Not that they won't benefit from it. Those in Nutetalon seemed to. But it was most unfair with the teachers, namely a certain Headmaster. Now, that was an idea.

McGonagall turned to pick the hat up but he wasn't having any of that.

'Put me down.' McGonagall jumped back. 'Better. Now, as of today all teachers must submit themselves to be sorted.' The whole Hall stared at the hat in shock, before students started to clap. Well, this certainly would be humorous.

'Minerva McGonagall!' the hat shouted. Looking apprehensive but putting on a brave face, she stepped forward. Of course, she was head of Hufflepuff, but wouldn't it be funny to have a Slytherin head of Hufflepuff house?

'SLYTHERIN!' Silence, then laughter. McGonagall blushed. The great Gryiffindor in Slytherin. Snape would be horrified.

'Severus Snape!' The sallow skinned man glided forward without delay, hiding his emotions much better than the cat-woman. He might be head of Gryiffindor house but no house fitted him least than Gryiffindor. He was smart, sly and loyal to Lily Evans. He was brave, but certainly not rash. Ahh, sweet revenge.

'GRYIFFINDOR!' Both the Gryiffindor students and Snape looked horrified, but Snape didn't look shocked. Had he cottoned on to my game?

So Flitwick became a Hufflepuff, Sprout became a Nutetalon and Trelawney became a Ravenclaw. The rest of the teachers had been sorted now, with varying degrees of horror, and now all that was left was Albus Dumbledore.

'Albus Dumbledore!' The hall fell silent. No one had expected that. Well, this would see how impartial the old man could be. Gryiffindor before, not loyal though, clever yes, and cunning too. So Hufflepuff was the only house he didn't qualify for. Interesting.

'HUFFLEPUFF!' Only the hat heard Dumbledore's slight sigh of relief. As Dumbledore tried to remove him, the Hat spoke up again. 'The students of Nutetalon have, of the present time, had no head of house. So i give you your new head of house, Albus Dumbledore!' To say Dumbledore was shocked would be an understatement. Ah well, thought the hat as he was quickly removed from the Hall before he could make any other announcements. He'd get to see the results of this latest ploy; living in Dumbledore's office certainly had some perks. It was just a shame he couldn't cackle.


End file.
